My Sister, My Inspiration

My mom on my birthday in front of "Edith's Garden" sign - Peggy took this picture just for me!

I am blessed to have many people in my life who inspire me, who help me "want to be a better person". Today's post is about one of those special people, my sister, Peggy. For 48 years (Peggy's age, not mine), we have been united by blood and an intense bond resulting from being "put together" to share a room, birthdays, gifts, hand-me-downs - you name it - we shared it.

As children we were the best of friends and the worst of enemies. As the older sister I was often mean and moody. I pulled Peggy in to keep the monsters at bay (who puts two little girls in the same room as the attic access!), and pushed her away when I wanted to play with other friends. We snuggled at night as darkness fell and we fought during the day as our differences bubbled to the surface. I wanted her close - but not too close. As a little sister I wanted her around when convenient, and to disappear when I chose. I didn't think much about her feelings in the situation, I only thought about how I felt and what I wanted.

Fast forward to today and it is a much different story. I am eternally grateful that I have a forgiving sister who was able to love me no matter what and who kept the relationship going. Peggy is more than my sister, she is my soul-mate who has continually inspired me throughout my life. The qualities she had as a child were nurtured into adulthood and what makes her presence a gift to all of those people she touches in her life.

She is kind, generous, curious, challenging, nurturing, community-oriented, funny, self-aware, outgoing, optimistic, intelligent, inclusive and most of all, loving.

Peggy and Moses, the baby elephant we met in Malawi, Africa.

Over the years I have had many experiences with Peggy that I cherish to this day. A highlight was going to Malawi, Africa and being at Vwaza National Park together. We enjoyed a quiet moment watching a herd of elephants at the water-hole. That moment is seared into my memory. It was so moving to be together sharing the same once-in-a-lifetime experience.

But the one that means the most to me and why Peggy is my inspiration is the priceless gift she gave me on my 50th birthday. She went to visit mom at the nursing home in London that day. I was in Calgary and Peggy phoned my cell to wish me a Happy Birthday. She left me a voicemail message with both her and mom singing Happy Birthday. To hear my mom sing to me was the greatest gift I got for my 50th. That Peggy knew how much it meant for me to stay connected with mom is the essence of her soul - she thinks of others which is the best quality of our humanness - one that I aspire to and one that she consistently models. She is showing me the way.

Peggy's recent achievement of becoming a published author with the release of the e-book, "I have a Dream, Celebrating Martin Luther King Jr.'s Speech 50 Years Later" on the Toronto Star's, Star dispatches site seemed to be a good time to talk about inspiration. Reading the book, watching the speech (link in book) made me realize that so much of what he said then is true today. His speech was powerful, his delivery inspiring and the message a simple one - change is about the other. We need to bring justice to everyone by reaching out and embracing all of humanity in our approach. Race, religion, sexual orientation are not dividing lines but opportunities to be inclusive in the broadest sense. We are all created equal.

Thank you Peggy for the great read and for continuously inspiring me through your generous spirit. I love you.

Peggy's e-book - download for free.

"I Have a Dream, Celebrating Martin Luther King Jr.'s Speech 50 Years Later" by Peggy Mackenzie

My new word....Sweezing.

Yes, I have a new word. Sweezing. Here's the definition:

Spend half the night throwing off the covers drenched in sweat. Spend the other half of the night throwing the covers back on because your sweat is now evaporating in your extremely cool house and you are shivering. Throw in a few restless moments where you are trying to decide how you would describe this feeling and realizing that after you spent more than a few moments awake going through an imaginary dictionary to find the right word - that there isn't one. As your creativity is at its peak you decide you are going to add a new word and Voila! Sweezing is born.

Next word to come up with is one to describe the feeling of having your husband snore in your face inbetween your sweezing episodes - homicidal isn't quite capturing it for me. I have lots of nights to think about this one. Let's just hope I remember to "think" about it and not act out my feelings!

Happy Sweezing everyone!

Whose Memory is the problem?

I have just returned from a fabulous visit with my mom. If you have read any of my previous posts about my mother Alda you will know that she has alzheimer's and she is now in a nursing home on the alzheimer's unit. My mom is lots of fun to visit and I enjoy every moment I am with her. Even in her "grumpy" moments her sense of humour and love of life beams through. She has always been my role model for life and continues to be. Her present state has taught me a lot about what it means to lose your memory and whose memory is really the problem.

So let's get that right out of the way - it's OUR memory that is the problem not the person who has alzheimer's. Yes, they likely don't remember your name, why they know you, where they are, if you visited the day before, who your husband is, where you live, or any of the moments they have shared with you throughout your lifetime together. SO, who cares? Why is that so important? Why are we so hung up on being remembered?

It is our memory of the person and who they were that is the problem. It is because it is all about US and not them that it is a problem. And trust me, I know that is a tough thing to say, but the truth nonetheless. Let's be honest with ourselves. We are mourning the people our parents once were, we are mourning the memories we have of them and that we were people they once intimately knew. We are mourning that we are not "top of mind" and hold some special place in that memory of theirs and that we have effectively disappeared. We are mourning our own "deaths" because we often don't exist in their diminishing memories.

As a result I have done all of these things (see list below) and continue to see others do the same. It wasn't until my mother lived with us for six months after my father's death that I learned that it wasn't all about me, that my mother was a lovely person to be discovered in every moment and that by making it about her she gave me the greatest gift of all - TIME spent together. Here are some of the things we do when we make it about us and what we can do to make it about the other person.

1. Ask the person if they "remember" our name.

STOP playing guessing games. It is frustrating for the person with alzheimer's as they likely don't remember. Instead start your conversation with "Hello mom, it's Edith your daughter from Alberta." Tell them who you are and why they know you. You will be rewarded with a big smile OR a conversation starter - "Alberta! Why do you live in Alberta?"

2. Ask the person if they "remember the time when....."

This is the same as #1, a guessing game they are likely to lose. Let them be winners by telling them a story of your time together. Mom loves to hear stories of her past, where she grew up, how many children she has, the funny things we have done together, the wonderful characters who have interacted with her throughout her life. It is a great way to make a connection and mom is great at laughing at the moments that are truly funny, at laughing at her "former" self, at being incredulous when it is clear that I am "embellishing" a tad and raptly letting me entertain her. As we have spent many moments together I always have lots of stories to tell.

3. Not visit the person because "they won't remember anyways".

You are right. They won't remember your visit. I visited my mother every day for five days in a row and took her out every time. Every day when I told her "stories" about our time together the day before she would say, "I'm not so sure about that." The point of the visit isn't that she will remember, the point is that we spend time together and in that moment she is getting attention. If you saw the number of people that "hang out" by the elevator door on mom's floor, waiting for someone to pay some attention to them, you would know that the memory of the visit is not the purpose. It is the visit that is so important. Just the thought of mom "waiting" for someone to interact with makes me cry.

4. Not calling when you can't visit because "they won't remember the call anyways".

See #3 - same thing. My brother makes a point of calling me when mom is at his house for Sunday supper. Our phone calls aren't long but they are a great way to share a moment together and as long as mom is able to do this we will continue.

5. Making the visit really short because you don't know what to say.

Here is where you get to "flex" your communication skills and make your conversations/actions about the other person. I tell mom stories about "us". I make photo albums for mom that we look at together and point out people telling her who they are and how she knows them. My brother made a CD of mom's favorite music that she can dance to and we turn on the CD player and dance. I take mom out for a treat - she loves sweets and just the going out gives us lots to talk about as mom asks about everyone she sees and everything she reads on our travels. I take her back to my brother's house and we sit on the couch together and watch a movie - The Wizard of Oz is her favorite. Get curious and discover the things that make the other person happy and the time will "fly" by as you share the moments.

Memory is not everything. Moments lived together are. It is time to "step up to the plate" with our parents. It is not "all about us" anymore, it is about them. Let's get over ourselves and agree that they might not remember us, they might not know our name, they might not know the lifetime we have shared together. What a great way to create a new life, to start fresh every time and BE with each other in just that one moment, to shed our past and just LIVE. You will never regret one moment of that time and you will discover the wonderful person your parent is right now. What a great gift.

ENJOY your time with your parent - remember LIFE is short. Seize every moment.

I need you to help me create an epic game....

This is an interactive post today. After reading an article in the Edmonton Journal "Playing Games can Make a Difference in the Real World" about Jane McGonigal who wrote, "Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World", I decided I needed to create a game that would help conquer those "spring that is still winter blues".

Jane McGonigal suffered a brain injury when she was writing her book "that left her depressed and unable to write". She created her own game called "SuperBetter", where she became her own super hero and enlisted family and friends to participate in the game to help her cope with the depression. What a great idea and why can't we do the same to overcome the blues that accompany the long winters we have in Northern Alberta (and elsewhere in Canada this year).

So here's the plan. I want to enlist all my readers to come up with an element(s) for the game. The game will be called "Winter Slayers". It will be set in a fictional town called "Wintersville" where "Old Man Winter" has settled in for a long fight. Old Man Winter is the epitome of evil blasting away at Wintersville with his complete arsenal. His weaponry consists of Arctic Chills (blasts of wind that freeze souls upon contact), Pelting SnowIce (a combination of wind and rain that has frozen into stinging ice crystals), Hell has Frozen Over Cold (dropping temperature to -30 and below, where exposed skin freezes in 1 minute or less) and more......this is where you all come in.

We need the following for the game - lots of creativity and HUMOUR. Make as many contributions as you want. I have a list with things I think we need to create a truly epic game.

Old Man Winter arsenal - he needs a full complement of weapons and tricks to deploy. Come up with a name for the weapon or trick with a description of what it can do
A super hero or two or more.... need a name, costume and set of weaponry that the super heros can use to battle with Old Man Winter
A budding romance amidst the chaos and any other storylines that will make this a "real" world
Other supporting characters for the heros OR the villain(s)
A map of the town, a setting for the game - this can grow and develop as we go along - are there hideouts? concealed places to hide weapons? neutral zones? surrounding/forbidden landscapes? You name it, let's create it!
Background on the characters - why they are so good/evil or a mixture of the two (like real-life where there is more gray than black & white)
Rules/guidelines - but remember, as the ultimate creator of the game, I reserve the right to "change" the rules of the game (Oh, do I love playing God!)
Names for the characters/town/game that you think are better than the ones I have come up with so far -- everything is up for grabs!

What else am I missing to make this game complete? Let's have some fun and chase away those "crappy weather blues" at the same time. Each week I will update the game with the developing story lines, characters, location, etc. Together we will see what we can create and if this goes well - I have some ideas for other games that might even tackle some issues our world is facing. As Jane McGonigal talks about in "Gaming Can Make a Better World", the potential is infinite if we all work together. Get "gaming"!

Here is the Ted Talk that Jane McGonigal did on "Gaming Can Make a Better World".

A quickie.....post I mean.

What do you get when you combine that time of life with that time of year and that time of the month? One cranky, crabby, ornery woman (my spell check listed hornier when I hovered over ornery the way I spelled it the first time - was that ever wrong!).

Perimenopause during the dark and cold days of winter with an erratic cycle thrown in for good measure makes for poor companions. Fortunately for Pat he works all day and with the snow we have been getting, he shovels outside for most of the evening and can avoid spending too much time with the "monster" in the house. The other good part is that he is maturing well - a good sign is that he is learning how to keep his mouth shut when I can't.

You know you are moody when you can't even stand to be around yourself. That's how it has been for the past two weeks. Every morning is a challenge to drag myself out of bed and face the day. Being with myself is more company than I care to have. I would have been happy if I could have ditched myself. But that is the problem, you never can run away from yourself.

So if you follow my blog and wondered why I hadn't posted anything in two weeks, it wasn't from lack of trying. Every time I went to write something it ended up being an irrational rant that even I couldn't stand listening to. I started and stopped more times than I care to remember and even now the "draft" postings haunt me in the sidelines as I write this post.

I know things are looking up. Life doesn't seem as horrible, the little things that happen not as dramatic and the smiles I give are not being forced upon my face. I'm not growling as much and I am remembering to be thankful for life. What helped? The sun coming out for the past two days, the weather warming up, the daily runs I take, getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night, eating well, sticking to routines, keeping up with work, reading a good book, social gatherings with friends, a day of relaxation once per week and a very loving and understanding husband.

The other thing that helped is age. That's right AGE! Experience does help a lot. I know that I will get through this, I know that things will change, I know that I am being irrational and I just have to let it run its course. A good and wise friend said, you have to let yourself feel so the feeling can move on. Resistance is futile (and a waste of the little energy you have). You are in a funk and you have to let the funk happen so it doesn't linger longer than it should. Like the weather in Alberta - if you don't like it, wait five minutes and it will change. The waiting is the part that is challenging and like so many challenges, rewarding when you finally reach the light. I can see the light again.

So a quickie for now (Pat's hoping that translates into more than a post!). I am going to sit here and absorb that life-giving light. Have a great week.

Things I Learned From My Dad...

November 19, 2009 was the day my dad died. We weren't expecting it that soon and thought we would have more time to be with him and more time to sort some things out. Fortunately for dad, he died before he got really sick from his cancer and true to form, he left some things undone. So in tribute to my dad today, here are a few things I have learned from him:

1. Leave it to the last minute. If you are lucky, someone else will have to come along and deal with all that CRAP! (Thank you dad!)

2. Being late, really LATE makes sure that you will be noticed and remembered.

3. Marry someone who will clean up after you, raise your children for you, find things for you and give you the freedom to do exactly what you want to do and when you want to do it. (Thank you mom!)

4. Be very opinionated and if logic doesn't serve you well in the discussion, throw in irrelevant and extreme views that will leave people completely dumbfounded so they won't have anything left to say.

5. Say exactly what you are thinking out loud at all times to save energy. You won't have to remember what kind of a "spin" you put on things when you follow this one and if a few people don't talk to you again, oh well, less energy spent in trying to maintain too many relationships. Better yet, be oblivious to any offence you might have given and you can treat everyone as a friend.

Last but not least, the real lessons I learned:

1. Laugh easily with others and at yourself. Bring a sense of humour to lighten the load for everyone. Know how to tell a good story to put people at ease and help them enjoy the moments you share together.

2. Serve others and know how to be in communion with others wherever you go.

3. Put your best effort into everything you do.

4. Stand up for what you believe in that will make things better for your community, your country and the world. Make sure your voice and actions contribute to making the world a better place for all of creation.

5. LIVE life fully. LOVE freely. Be THANKFUL for all you have.

Thank you Dad. I love you and know that your love is with me still, guiding me in everything I do. Here's to you today!